First, I want to thank everyone that came out for my Lynch’s DUNE: Autopsy of a Hollywood Disasterpiece presentation at GMX. One mistake I made was saying the re-themed Dune boardgame, Rex: Final Days of Empire, was set in the Warhammer 40k universe. It is set in Fantasy Flight Games own Twilight Imperium universe. If you noticed any other mistakes please leave them in the comments.
Second, I want to thank @jshawhan for retweeting
which set this all in motion.
And of course there have been changes since the day of the presentation because my brain is a swarm of wasps. Let’s go:
Baron Harkonnen – Meat Loaf
Yes. YES. I’m pretty sure he already did this at some Mitt Romney rallies last election cycle.
Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV – Prince
We are casting a musical right? Here I think I am influenced heavily by Jodo’s casting of Dali as the Emperor. Prince is a pop culture surrealist svengali, is he not?
Princess Irulan – Rihanna
Okay, the emperor’s house will be a sexy house. I now remember my first choice was the adult performer Skin Diamond but I cooled things down a bit for GMX. Skin Diamond is the best pornography stage name since Rihanna. Wait, what?
Paul Atreides – Robert Pattinson
Smoldering. Just a hint of genetic inbreeding. Really, I don’t care about about Paul because I perceive him as a fascist pig stick, but I do care about Chani. If Herbert’s Paul is all about unknowable possibilities – Pattinson’s role in Cosmopolis might seal the deal.
Chani – FKA twigs
I want Pattinson as Paul so I can pair him with his (rumored) real life girlfriend FKA twigs as Chani. Hardcore Twilight fans have been throwing racist shit at her, but what better way to punk them by casting her and Pattinson together. twigs is arguably a more perfect Chani than Pattinson is a perfect Paul.
Lady Jessica – Jessica Chastain
Preternatural bone structure + Harkonnen red hair = BAZINGA! (That’s a spoiler for the illiterates.)
Piter De Vries – Marc Maron
Neurotic, self-obsessed, and addicted. What at first might seem like a stunt casting just might be a stroke of genius but it is not for me to say.
Stilgar – Ben Foster
Though slight in stature, he has scene stealing intensity that works well for a Fremen. If you wanted to go all crowbar we could get Idris Alba, but as you’ll see, we have enough muscle coming up.
Gurney Halek – Woody Harrelson
With The Messinger and True Detective Harrelson proved he’s go-to for flawed, ignoramus, alpha male. Who better to carry around a space lute and belch folky aphorisms?
Duncan Idaho – Matthew McConaughey
If you have one big American boy meatball, why not just go for the matching pair? Like a set of testicles. McConaughey in military uniform would be good eye candy before he gets shot in the head, or however it is he dies in the book.
Liet Kynes – Andre Royo
I’m probably too heavily influenced by Von Sydow, or at least his face. Royo has a reputation for being Hi-NRG, but this could be a chance to show some range. Really, I just want to do whatever I can to not cast Benedactal Cunterbitch. If worse comes to worse, we could always call Lance Henriksen.
Feyd Rautha – Megan Fox
We’ll give her the red hair she didn’t have in Ninja Turtles and fix something broken in the universe. She’ll step out of that steam bath and we’ll break something in a lot of people’s pants. Bizarro world dark horse alternative: Wil Wheaton.
Raban – Chris Pratt
A Jennifer’s Body reunion! A thick muscular neck! In perhaps my biggest creative fudge, we’ll extend the incest vibes to Raban and Feyd. To quote Fox in Jennifer’s Body, “I’m not even a backdoor virgin thanks to [Raban]. And by the way, that hurts.” Repeat performance: bizarro world dark horse alternative: Wil Wheaton.
Thufir Hawat – David Cronenberg
I’m casting on type here and probably much too influenced by Freddie Jones’ bouffant and brows. It would be a great in joke for Whorer fans.
Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam – David Lynch in drag
Why not? He already has the creepy teeth. He and Cronenberg could have an epic on screen witch off.
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